Motherhood changes many things in our lives. It reshapes our routines, our priorities, and the way we see the world. It can also shift our sense of identity in ways we don’t immediately recognise.
Your authentic self is the part of you that reflects your true values, needs, and inner voice, beyond expectations or roles.
In my previous reflection about loneliness, I wrote about how easy it is to feel disconnected, even when life appears full from the outside. Motherhood, relationships, responsibilities, and everyday life can all be meaningful and filled with activity, yet we can still feel disconnected from ourselves.
For me, becoming a mother did not only mean caring for a new life. It also became a shift in identity, a beginning of a deeper inner journey — one that slowly led me to ask a question I had never truly explored before:
Who am I, really?
Before motherhood, I believed I knew myself quite well. I knew how to be responsible, how to work hard, and how to care for others. I knew how to keep things together and move forward even when life was demanding. But looking back, I can also see that I had learned — almost without realizing it — to suppress parts of myself.
I had become very good at adapting to what others needed. I pushed through tiredness, frustration, and discomfort because I believed that being kind meant always being available. Somewhere along the way, I had learned that being “good” meant placing other people’s needs and expectations before my own.
Then I became a mother. Suddenly emotions surfaced that I hadn’t expected. Moments of deep love were sometimes mixed with feelings of overwhelm. Small situations could trigger surprisingly strong reactions inside me. This is normal when you become a mother for the first time, but at first I wondered what was wrong with me.
Like many new parents, I began searching for answers. I read a number of parenting books (podcasts were not very common at the time) and tried to understand the new role I had stepped into. I believed that if I could simply learn enough, I would become the mother I wanted to be.
The Journey Back to Myself
I had grown up with beliefs that had shaped me in ways I hadn’t fully recognized, that saying no might risk losing love, that disappointing someone could lead to rejection, or that we must keep going even when something inside us is telling us to stop.
The other side to this, which is safe to say was not a dominant factor in my character, was that I tried to keep control on things I could and should control, and the ones I perceived I could but shouldn’t have, mostly in my close environment, and later learned that I was actually very co-dependent.
These fears — of rejection, of not being enough, of not having enough — had guided many of my choices. Motherhood didn’t create these patterns, but it brought them to the surface in a way that could no longer be ignored.
This awareness didn’t arrive overnight. The journey has been long and continues to unfold but I realized early on that being a mother was the most demanding role I had ever taken on — not only because of the responsibility of caring for a child, but because of the questions it awakened within me.
What kind of mother do I want to be?
What do I want to give to my children?
What kind of people do I hope they will become?
Learning to say no has been one of the most challenging lessons for me. Not because I want to reject others, but because every honest “no” creates space for a more truthful “yes”.
I also realized that for many years I wasn’t only saying yes to things I didn’t truly want — I was also saying no to things I secretly dreamed about. Afterwards I would often feel deeply disappointed in myself and regret my decisions. Somewhere inside, I didn’t believe I was capable, worthy, or ready but our bodies often know the difference.
When we say yes while meaning no, we get the feeling of losing our position, but if you aren’t aware of it, you may not notice it until it is too late. You get a subtle signal that something is not quite right. When we ignore these signals or feelings for long enough, they can slowly turn into frustration, exhaustion, or a feeling of losing connection with ourselves.
But when we begin to listen — really listen — to our bodies and emotions, something shifts. We start recognizing what is true for us.
Many people call this a “gut feeling”, an “inner voice” that often gets buried under expectations, responsibilities, and the desire to please others. For some people this realization arrives as a sudden “aha” moment. For others, the journey is slower and requires patience, support, and self-compassion.
The more connected we become with ourselves, the more clearly we begin to see what is good for us — and what is not. We start trusting our intuition again instead of constantly doubting ourselves.
Understanding Our Story
For me, a part of this journey included working with a therapist. For a long time, I believed I was simply “too sensitive,” or that my experiences were not serious enough to be recognized as trauma.
When I was pregnant with my third child, I sought help for the first time. And there, finally, I felt heard. I received the support that I had needed for a long time. Later, participating in the IIN program helped me begin to put many pieces of the puzzle together and see more clearly what truly matters.
Over time I began to understand that our life experiences shape us much more deeply than some of us allow ourselves to see. Everyone carries a story and every story matters.
It is important to be curious about our own story, but also about the stories of those who came before us. Our ancestors carried their own fears, survival strategies, and ways of coping with life. Sometimes we live inside those patterns without even realising it. But when we begin to notice them, we create space for something new — space for awareness, choice, and a different way of living.
Reading and listening to different voices has also helped me reflect on my own life. The work of Dr. Gabor Maté, as well as the book The Body Keeps the Score, deeply resonated with me and opened new ways of understanding how our bodies, emotions, and life experiences are connected.
Motherhood has not given me all the answers, but it has given me the courage to start asking different questions.
Who am I?
What truly matters to me?
What gives me energy rather than draining it?
What am I saying yes to — and what might I be ready to say no to?
Finding your authentic self is not about becoming someone new. It is about gently peeling away the layers that were never truly you. It begins with listening to your body, trusting your inner voice, allowing yourself to grow, and offering yourself compassion along the way.
Resources That Have Helped Me
Along this journey I have found inspiration from different voices and practices that help me reflect and stay connected with myself.
I often listen to the work of Dr. Gabor Maté, whose perspective on trauma, compassion, and authenticity resonates deeply with me.
I have also enjoyed the podcasts Motherkind with Zoe Blaskey and Feel Better, Live More with Dr Rangan Chatterjee.
In Icelandic, I listen to the podcast “Með lífið í lúkunum” with HeilsuErla, which beautifully explores health and personal growth.
Meditation has also become a part of my daily practice — still very much a work in progress. I have used the Headspace app, guided meditations on Spotify, and the simple but powerful 4-7-8 breathing technique.
If you would like a starting point, you can take the Wellness Assessment. It’s free, offers personalised guidance and can help you reflect on your current habits and wellbeing.
If you have resources that have helped you on your own journey, I would love to hear about them. We all learn from one another. You can use the Contact Me feature above if you want to drop me a line.
With care,
Rannveig
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